Perpetual Soliloquy

One by one things accumulated in our mind, like a piece of puzzle. For us to figure how to arrange them and find the picture behind. That's how to figure yourself.
This blog is all about those puzzles, my puzzles.
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Lately, I’ve been thinking: living in a yacht sounds cool, right?! Yes, yes, indeed it is.

Look at these pictures!

aren’t they LOVELY?!

Imagine— cruising alone (or with (some) friend(s)) in the moonlight, gazing at the stars, reading book at the deck while listening to soft music. Heavenly!

I wonder… should I include yacht in my pension plan? Aside from my forest house of course, that’s already a definite have-to-have property. But the price for one yacht is a bit expensive. For this ‘starlight’ yacht, it costs $4,995,000. Uuugh priceypriceypriceykjskldkaj.

My first birthday present since such a long time. I’m so happy… I’m so happy that I’m crying while writing this….

edit: It’s not the present itself that made me so moved— I don’t really care if I get a present or not on my birthday. It was… the fact that he did bother himself by buying me such gift— like… he cared? He could just congratulate me like always but… Maybe it was because I have already accepted that this day would be the same as years before so surprise attack like this throw me off of my distant island.

I put my defense wall cautiously like always, even more so because my uncle died on the same day as my birthday (I feel bad for my cousin, she’s still a kid). It was so unfair to be happy when everyone else was sad— not that I planned to go happy-happy in the first place. So I endured it all. I told myself: she wouldn’t remember it again. I know. It’s okay though I’m used to it. Last year, she and the others wouldn’t even remember it if not because that reminder alarm (back then I hoped they wouldn’t remember at all, even it would hurt I really didn’t want them to remember. why? err because of… this masochistic(?) mind of mine).

But she did remember that time, even when in the morning, she asked me what date was it. And I, as nonchalantly as I could, answered it with clipped tone (and a bit choked too) and assuming she wouldn’t remember again this time. She called, I was about to cry but couldn’t, there were my friends there. So I continued being happy-go-lucky as always (I wonder, was my smile different back then? did they notice?).

Then the final bomb dropped, he knocked my door and said happy birthday to me while handing me a gift. The gift itself was nothing much, but after I closed the door I couldn’t control my tears anymore. So I cried. Happily. That was the first time too after such long time— which was caused by real life event

In 3 minutes I have to say goodbye to my teenage life and *deep breath* *wheeze* welcoming my life as a young adult.

…honestly? It’s kinda unnerving, but I’m a bit giddy too

I’m transfixed by the concept of time and parallel world. I mean, isn’t it so mysterious? If we change something in the past, it will deliver us a brand new future, a parallel branch. Think of every decisions we could make and change, there will be infinite possibility of parallel world- and that’s not counting everyone else’s. Whoa I’m overwhelmed.

I want to be the observer of those worlds. I want to know the all stories possible for all people alive —well maybe not all, that would take forever of forevers, but you know what? actually I won’t mind!

Somehow the description: someone who doesn’t have any redeeming quality beside quite kind is a bit… sad

But on second thought, maybe it is all that we need- just being kind or being anything, really- if there is someone who appreciate our only trait, then perhaps it is fine not having any redeeming quality. One is enough. One is enough to make someone appreciates us

Sometimes, I wait for others to finally understand me.

Sometimes, I do not even want anyone to discover me

Sometimes, I want to see world, the whole of it

Sometimes, I am okay with just my own little world

Sometimes, I think I know myself the most

Sometimes, I am the one who surprised me the most

Sometimes, I looked at myself like I am the mightiest of the mighty

Sometimes,  I am deeply ashamed of myself

Sometimes I wonder how it feel to quit being a paradox, to decide that I will not look back at the choice I had left, to put an end on this poor excuse of an indecisive human who can’t pick one final choice. Sometimes I have to urge myself to stop dilly-dallying and end up making hasty and careless decision and some other time I just and being really careful and stressed myself.

But finally sometimes, I too am quite content with this personality, this is me, someone who can not stop thinking about all opportunities nor put myself in irreversible circumstance. But it’s okay because it let me know the consequence of the choices therefore it grant me an understanding of others who make whichever choice. I guess I could see the two sides of coin and that teach me not to be judgmental an be open-minded instead — or tolerable, at the very least 

Someone said the most revealing thing about an individu could be seen when he is under pressure.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Because in that condition a person doesn’t have time to pretend. They would let their instinct takes control. That way, the hidden things they try to smother, intented to be kept in the dark, the most revealing thing about them would be able to be seen.

The lost of innocence is marked by the start of pretense

♚ - Kingdom Hearts 2.5 ReMix Official Box Art

want it.want it.want it so much

- Kingdom Hearts 2.5 ReMix Official Box Art

want it.want it.want it so much

(via fuckyeahkingdomheartsseries)


Katja Michael, She Came at Dawn

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